Recap of Best-Selling Feline Author (#Stephaniewritescommentaryinparenthesis)

The sounds of water, possibly an ocean, open the episode. (It’s not a train noise as I originally thought.)

Helena is writing, presumably to Dot again. It was the worst 118 days of her life. (That’s almost 4 months, which is also almost 6 months so, she was there for almost half a year!) Kris was in longer. (Oh…we are getting some information on why this old broad was in the clink! I am imagining that Helena looks like the kooky, hippy woman from Orange is the New Black.) They were arrested for vandalizing and destruction of private property. But, Helena says it was really just PROTEST! (What the heck was she protesting in the 80’s? Popped collars? Leg warmers? Big hair?) Don’t even get started on Paul…that piece of trash. (Wow, Paul really wronged Helena! Abandoned “us”? Who is “us”? Was Paul a former boyfriend, husband, lover?) Then, in true Helena form, the anger and juicy gossip immediately turns to something goofy and lighthearted…Dot, did you ever get that pet portrait of Misty?

ABC 7 News: GET RID OF THAT BALD GUY! I DON’T CARE FOR HIM. HE TALKS LIKE HE HAS A MOUTH FULL OF PISTACHIOS. I THINK HE THINKS HE’S BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. AND, HIS TIES ARE ALWAYS WRINKLED. STEAM THEM IN THE SHOWER…DONT IRON THEM. (Good advice, Helena.) OOPS, Helena…the face books are so complicated and you posted that on your own page, not ABC 7 News.

Sudio Headphones. (sudiosweden.com) Go buy some. Josh says so. PROMO CODE: LETTERS

Oh dear…more karaoke? Guns ‘n Roses? Thank goodness…we aren’t really subjected to it because, Josh comes on. He sounds tired. (4:30am, good time to leave a message. Don’t ever call me at 4:30am. I’m not pleasant at 4:30am) Ha! Josh the Stalker has been stalking Fish Ellen on Facebook! (Dude, you need another hobby. Maybe you should go play Animal Crossing Pocket Camp. Which is totally fun and we have our own Fish Ellen! My ID is 61545653315) He also found something shocking but, of course, it is TBA. (Always TBA with this guy. LOL)

The following are highlights from Fish Ellen’s Facebook page:

It is Thanksgiving. And, Fish Ellen is listening to Arlo Gutry, cooking and hanging out both physically and metaphysically (I totally snorted) with people she loves. No one should eat turkey on Thanksgiving. You should go meatless and/or poultry-less. Fish Ellen is happy to share her tips for how to go meatless and/or poultry-less and then both she and the turkey’s will be thankful. 

On December 1st there will be a rally to SAVE THE SALMON! (Will salmon be served for lunch? Asking for a friend.)

Like a good Jewish person, Fish Ellen has been baking cookies all afternoon and evening. (What do bad Jewish people do?) She is channeling her grandparents and wondering if they would be upset to know that none of their four grandchildren procreated. (One of those grandchildren is Fish Ellen’s sister! SHE HAS A SISTER! But, sadly no children of her own. I kinda think Ellen having a child would be AMAZING!) Grandfather and Grandmother escaped the Nazi’s and tried to impart good wisdom. Fish Ellen had some guilt about not having children but, guilt isn’t a reason to have kids. (Fish Ellen is extremely smart about this.) #JewishChristmasCookiesandConversationswiththeDead

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH IS A BEAUTIFUL FREAK! (Well, not according to Josh Hallmark.)

Could do with a little less introspection? But, why? I’m introspecting my introspection! (That giggle is possibly better than Josh’s. Sorry, Hallmark.)

Comcast is NOT akin to two cute kittens. They are often deserving of four letter words. Comcast is VERY bad. They stink. #fightthefuturecomcastcablecompanystinks

This is a six foot painting of over 37 cats. (Oh, please, someone find this photo!) Fish Ellen is going to get this painting. (also, she lives in a little cottage!) Apparently, the white cats are the best. (Well, this is also not try according to Josh Hallmark. Unless he just doesn’t like white cats?)

Fish Ellen is taking some advice from the current best selling feline author. (A quick google search did NOT provide me with the answer of who this author may be. I may have to do more sleuthing. Or, do you have to be a cat to know this information? Also, can someone PLEASE delete my browser history when I die?) Unexpectedly, she emotionally, energetically and cognitively  crashed. She has been holding a safe container for her feelings. (Is it glass? Plastic? Decorated with crystals?)  And, in true sweet Ellen fashion, she also stores the bad feelings of her patients. (Wait? Did she say PATIENTS? I relistened about five times..she DID say patients. CLUE ALERT!) It’s only a metaphorical safe. (Guess that answers my earlier question) Fish Ellen has been holding her emotional breath. Last night she exhaled into an exhausting cry but then exhaled some more into a recovery bath. (I would get dizzy and pass out from all that.) Fish Ellen is grateful for a safe, warm home and emphatic friends. #safesarespacesforemotionswhichareourtruevaluables

STOP THE NIGERIAN SUPER HIGHWAY! THERE IS NOTHING SUPER ABOUT A HIGHWAY! ESPECIALLY ONE THAT HARMS WILD GORILLAS! WRITE TO YOUR CONGRESSMAN! DONATE TO THE NATURE CONSERVANCY! #nothingsuperaboutahighwaythatharmsgorillas

It is the 4th of July. Which is a great holiday unless you are an animal or a Native American. While, Fish Ellen cannot help Native Americans, she can help your animal! She is offering FREE animal acupuncture services for your pets at the first ever Animal Acupuncture Festival! Be sure to get there early because this is going to be VERY popular! (Really? VERY? Was there a 2nd annual Animal Acupuncture Festival? Where can I go to sign Jewelie up? Will first aid be provided to pet owners?)

If I had a kitten for every kitten I wished I had I would have so many kittens! #icanthavecatsbecauseofmymouseprogram (#soFishEllenbuyscatpaintingsinstead)

SKYPE. Josh is calling Sara. OH MY GOD! Josh has TWO mutual friends with Fish Ellen on “the face books”. (#sorrynotsorry) One of these friends, Darren, has been to the Karen and Ellen Letters reading parties. (Josh you can only get excited ONCE in your life!) What if Fish Ellen has been under Josh’s nose the entire time? (We also got a GREAT Josh laugh moment. I need this as a ringtone! Can I get a Josh laugh ringtone as blogger payment?)

Fish Ellen: Usually she is all love, light and Miss Happy-Happy Sunshine. But, today is a hard day. Her car window was broken and her laptop was stolen. (THAT SUCKS!) To bad she didn’t have renter’s insurance since it’s a scam. (RENTER’S INSURANCE? Does she drive a rental car or does she not know what CAR insurance is?)  The missing computer costs over a thousand dollars. Well, now Fish Ellen DOESN’T believe in karma. She doesn’t believe God only gives you as much as you can handle. She believes sometimes, people are truly amazing but sometimes people are just plain old mean. 

Josh and Sara are back discussing how in 2012 Fish Ellen’s car broke down IN FRONT OF JOSH’S OLD HOUSE! (Mary Christ and Holy Guacamole!) Fish Ellen was in front of Josh’s house for SIX FULL HOURS one day and he never even knew it. (Fish Ellen was RIGHT THERE! You could have cast a hook and snagged her!)

Josh is writing a message to Darren, he is asking about his relationship to Fish Ellen and how he knows her. Darren replies that he met her on a drugged out camping trip and Fish Ellen was taking photos of him. Darren gets weird emails from her regarding tree therapy, acupuncture, and legalizing marijuana. (How do I get on Fish Ellen’s mailing list?) Also, what is tree therapy? Is it therapy FOR trees or therapy for humans USING trees? How would you “use” a tree?) She also recommended some electrotherapy to Darren when he broke his foot. Would Josh like for Darren to get in touch with her for him? (YES, DARREN, YES WE WOULD! Oh, wait, not sure our opinion counts here but, all roomies vote YES anyway.)

Fish Ellen: I am heading to my first tree therapy session and I am feeling overly emotionally overwhelmed. I am surprised that I am myself so weepy and juggling around so many emotions that are hard to name and hard to find. What if this doesn’t work? What if it doesn’t help me? These cognitive issues which look like not being able to find words, not being able to follow a train to thought, not being able to remember things are the last significant vestiges of last years car accident. I spent so much time in the hospital trying to find my words but, also trying to find forgiveness. I just really want someone or a cat or a friend to hug me. (I have nothing sassy to add here. I am sad now, This makes me sad.)

Wind Chimes! Patti with the Crystals is back! Today she awoke with manta, “if God is awareness and I am aware then through my awareness I am partaking of the awareness of my source, who is God, our Mother Earth.” (My head hurts just trying to listen and transcribe that. Also, I am confused and think I need a drink now.) Blah, blah, blah…..some mumbo jumbo about monotheism.  (She knows what monotheism is? Kind of impressed, actually.) Patti has a husband and a dog. (She says so amiss the mumbo jumbo.) Patti has a friend named Juno Windraven. (Is she a teacher at Hogwarts? Please, let her be a teacher at Hogwarts!) Juno has discovered the creator Gods. (Did she copyright the find? Call the Discovery Channel?) Patti wishes all seekers a Happy Thanksgiving. Followed by a commercial for Pet Portraits and portraits of your inner amimal! (Just use promo code: EARTHMOTHER)

Fish Ellen: I’m looking for someone who wants to drive a car from Scottsdale, Arizona up to Seattle or Portland this week or next week. If you know someone who wants some west coast travel.

Patti with the Crystals: Are you going to see your mother? I would love to fly out for a fun little girls bonding trip.

Fish Ellen: Hi everyone! I’m still looking for a road companion down to Scottsdale.

Patti: Oh, Ellen, I would love to join you. Do you not see my earlier message?

Patti: Ellen, did you not see my comment? Did I post them correctly? I can see them. Can you?

Fish Ellen: Hi everyone! Never mind, I’ll be going with my friend, Nita.

Patti: Ellen, I’m so glad you found someone to go with you. It probably would not have worked out for me because I am going to do a crystal harvest. Have a special time reconnecting to the desert earth and your mother. 

(What did I just hear? Apparently Fish Ellen and Patti are connected in some way. But, did they have a falling out? Why does Ellen ignore Patti? Is that bad karma?)

Ocean noise again. KAREN IS BACK! She really loves being at the beach but, she doesn’t like all the sand that gets everywhere. (Um, Karen, sand comes with the territory. It’s kinda a rule of the beach.) However, Karen does like dolphins, boats and Mai Tai’s. ( Mai Tai is an alcoholic cocktail made with rum and citrus juice. Who wouldn’t like that? Also, is the beach reference a clue?)

Alright fellow listeners, it’s time to stop being a cat on the wall and start sleuthing! I believe the truth is out there. Love and avocados! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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