A MURDERBOARD

As we roll into the final two episodes, I thought I’d put together an overview of what listeners have learned:

CONFIRMED (THROUGH RECORDS) PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED IN THE COTTAGE:
• Annette (1986)
• Crochet Pants (1987)
• Fish Ellen (unknown)

THE ALOHA-FISH FAMILY TREE:
Screen Shot 2018-01-17 at 11.45.47 AM

CONFIRMED WHEREABOUTS IN THE 80s:
• Crochet Pants – The Cottage (87)
• Aloha Rob – Alameda, CA (86-89 // The Coast Guard); Seattle, WA (89 // Lived with Fish Ellen)
• Helena – Jail (Unknown)
• Aloha Karen – The Bay Area, CA (Unknown // Met Aloha Rob)
• Fish Ellen – The Cottage (Unknown); Seattle, WA (89 // Lived with Aloha Rob)
• Paul & Patty with the Crystals – Woodstock, NY (Unknown)
• Dot – Scottsdale, AZ (Unspecified)
• Mark – Berkeley & Oakland (Unspecified)
• Annette – The Cottage (86)
• The Caldwells – Adjacent to The Cottage (86-91)

SOME NARRATIVE LINKS:
• Letters Rob is obsessed with The Coast Guard // Aloha Rob is in The Coast Guard
• Letters Karen & Ellen lived in Oregon // Crochet Pants is from Oregon
• Letters Rob is accident prone // Aloha Rob is accident prone
• Letters Ellen is Jewish // Fish Ellen is Jewish
• Letters Ellen writes about karma and astrology // Fish Ellen writes about karma and astrology
• Letters Ellen is an extreme animal lover // Fish Ellen is an extreme animal lover
• Letters Karen frequently corresponds with Letters Mark // Crochet Pants mentions corresponding with someone names Mark in the 80s
• Letters Karen leaves The Cottage in 88 // Crochet Pants leaves the cottage in 87
• Letters Ellen is from Tucson, AZ // Fish Ellen & Aloha Karen are from Arizona
• Letters Karen’s dad is a doctor // Fish Ellen & Aloha Karen’s dad is a doctor
• Included in The Letters is a letter written by a woman in confinement // Helena was in jail in the 80s
• Letters Ellen owns a cat painting // Fish Ellen has her eye on a cat painting
• Letters Rob lived in or around Oakland in 87 and 88 // Aloha Rob lived in Alameda (adjacent to Oakland) in 87 and 88.
• Letters Karen & Letters Ellen live together in The Cottage // Crochet Pants had a(n unknown) roommate in The Cottage
• Letters Karen leaves The Cottage abruptly // Crochet Pants leaves The Cottage abruptly
• Letters Ellen has no relationship with her father // Fish Ellen’s and Aloha Karen’s father abandoned them in the 80s (when Helena went to jail)
• Letters Ellen’s grandparents escaped Nazi Germany // Fish Ellen’s grandparents escaped Nazi Germany
• Letters Ellen’s mom was an activist/protestor // Helena was an activist/protestor

THE PLACES THEY’VE LIVED
• Letters Karen: Oregon, The Bay Area
• Letters Ellen: Arizona, Oregon, The Bay Area, Budapest
• Letters Rob: The Bay Area, Oregon
• Crochet Pants: Oregon, The Bay Area, Washington, Illinois
• Fish Ellen: Arizona, Oregon, The Bay Area, Washington
• Aloha Karen: Arizona, The Bay Area, Hawaii
• Aloha Rob: Mississippi, The Bay Area, Washington, Hawaii

OCCUPATIONS & CURRENT LOCATIONS
• Crochet Pants: Yarn Goddess in Illinois
• Fish Ellen: Acupuncturist / Yoga Teacher in Washington
• Aloha Karen: The Coast Guard in Hawaii
• Aloha Rob: The Coast Guard in Hawaii
• Helena: Retired, recently moved from Mendocino, CA to Scottsdale, AZ
• Dot: Retired in Scottsdale, AZ

NAME REPETITION
• ROB: Letters Rob // Dot’s deceased husband
• MARK: Letters Mark // Someone Crochet Pants knew in the 80s
• GEORGE: Received a letter from ??????? // A friend of Crochet Pants // Former President and rumored relative of Letters Karen, Ellen, or Rob // Former President campaigned for by Letters Karen, Ellen, and Rob // Former President whose bumper sticker is on Crochet Pants (A Democrat)’s car

OTHER CHARACTERS
• Alice: Letters Ellen’s potential replacement roommate for Karen / Noted Scorpio
• Annette: Suicidal Piano Lady who lived in The Cottage immediately before Letters Karen / Suicidal Piano Lady who lived in The Cottage the year before Crochet Pants
• Barb: Helena’s friend in San Francisco (deceased)
• Benedict Cumberbatch: A beautiful freak
• Benvenuto Cellini: Italian goldsmith and sculptor who notably did not work with plastic
• Bonnie: Associate of Mark / Arch-nemesis of Vanessa Y.
• The Caldwells: Tenants of Mark, who live on the same lot as The Cottage
• The Caldwells’ Cats: Electricity hogs
• Catfish Karen: Daughter-in-Law of ruled out Karen candidate
• Charles Worthington: Attorney for Letters Karen & Rob
• Darren: Mutual friend of Josh and Fish Ellen
• David: Filmmaker
• Eva: Letters Ellen’s landlord in Budapest
• George Bush: Former governor & president / Noted Gemini
• Guru Lahera: Associate of Guru Patel
• Guru Patel: Ellen’s Guru (deceased)
• Hal: Used to live in a chicken coop where The Cottage now stands
• Helena’s Butcher: Might be a lesbian
• Jackie: Former neighbor of Dot & Helena / Friend of Dot
• Kiro Yamashita: Letters Karen’s friend / Landscaper
• Kris: Went to jail with Helena
• Leslie: David’s long-suffering assistant
• Marsha: Friend of Letters Ellen and former tenant of Mark’s
• Mice 1-7: “Participants” in Fish Ellen’s Mouse Program
• Miss Fletcher: Letters Karen, Ellen, and Rob’s homeschool teacher
• Misty: Dot’s dog (deceased)
• Mr. James: Mark’s “decorator”
• Myron Shapiro: Former owner of a Christmas Tree farm
• Patty with the Crystals: Former neighbor of Dot & Helena / Fish Ellen & Aloha Karen’s step-mother / Noted floozy
• Paul: Helena’s ex-husband / Fish Ellen’s & Aloha Karen’s father
• QRs: Crochet Pants blog community
• Robert: Dot’s husband (deceased)
• Aloha Rob’s Dad: Air Force veteran (deceased)
• Seekers: Patty’s followers
• Sharon: Friend/Relative of Aloha Karen
• Suzie: Friend of Helena
• Uncle Albert: Mark’s uncle / Attorney / Law school professor
• Uncle Gary: Letters Ellen’s uncle / Pickle factory owner
• Uncle Henry: Letters Ellen’s uncle / Pickle factory owner
• Uncle Josef: Letters Ellen’s uncle

KNOWN ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS
• Letters Ellen: Gemini
• Fish Ellen: Gemini
• Mark: Aries
• Alice: Scorpio
• George Bush: Gemini
• Michael Dukakis: Scorpio
• Dan Quayle: Aquarius

ITEMS BROKEN OR DESTROYED
• Aloha Rob’s Corvette (crashed) – Aloha Rob
• Aloha Karen’s & Rob’s “Car Garage Door Opener” (unspecified) – Aloha Rob
• The cat painting (tongue broken off) – Letters Rob
• Christmas Tree farm (exploded) – Letters Karen & Rob
• Pickle factory (exploded / factory fire) – Letters Ellen and/or Letters Rob
• Mother Goose diaper truck (caught fire from nearby Christmas Tree farm explosion) – Letters Karen & Rob
• Refrigerator (door broken off by frozen leg of lamb / low side leak due to chiseling) – Letters Karen & Ellen
• Louvered closet doors (covered in glued-on fake fur) – Letters Karen & Ellen
• Unspecified private property (vandalized) – Helena
• The Caldwells’ sprinkler heads (broken off) – Unknown
• Medicine cabinet (missing) – Letters Karen
• Typewriter (covered in honey) – Letters Rob
• Venetian blinds (written on in marker) – Letters Karen & Ellen
• Porch light (missing) – Unknown
• Jackie’s garage (caught fire) – Unknown
• Hoover Qwik-Vac Vacuum Cleaner aka vacumm (burned out motor aka omtor) – Letters Karen
• Cottage keys (missing) – Letters Rob
• Gondola (unspecified accident) – Letters Karen & Rob
• Teacup (broken during a fit of laughter) – Letters Ellen’s mother
• Golf Cart Garage Door Opener (unspecified) – Unknown

OTHER GROUPS OF PEOPLE

THE CUL-DE-SAC CREW:

Screen Shot 2018-01-17 at 2.04.05 PM

PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED IN SEATTLE:
• Josh
• Sara
• Darren
• Fish Ellen
• Aloha Rob
• Crochet Pants
• Goofy Waiter
• (Presumably) Aloha Karen

THE SCOTTSDALE OLD LADY GANG:
• Helena
• Dot
• Jackie
• Suzie
• Misty (deceased)

PEOPLE ASSOCIATED WITH MARK:
• Bonnie (Associate)
• Uncle Albert (Uncle/Associate)
• CW (Associate/Nemesis)
• Mr. James (“Decorator”)
• Josh (Former Acquaintance/Thorn-in-side)
• Hal (Former Tenant)
• Crochet Pants (Former Tenant)
• Fish Ellen (Former Tenant)
• Letters Karen (Former Tenant)
• Letters Ellen (Former Tenant)
• The Caldwells (Former Tenants)
• Marsha (Former Tenant)
• Letters Rob (Former Harasser)

PEOPLE WHO HATE PATTY WITH THE CRYSTALS:
• Fish Ellen
• Helena
• Dot

PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED IN THE BAY AREA:
• Mark
• Bonnie
• Hal
• Marsha
• The Caldwells
• Josh
• Darren
• Fish Ellen
• Letters Ellen
• Aloha Rob
• Letters Rob
• Crochet Pants
• Aloha Karen
• Letters Karen
• Helena
• Barb
• Annette

PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED IN OREGON:
• Crochet Pants
• Letters Karen
• Fish Ellen
• Letters Ellen
• Josh
• Darren
• Myron Shapiro
• Miss Fletcher
• Charles Worthingon

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